when I was nine
by Cath1
Summary: “When I was nine my mom was diagnosed with cancer.” The Cohen family become closer in the midst of an illness. Sophie POV.


Title: when I was nine

Author: Cath

Disclaimer: Characters are still not mine.

Summary: "When I was nine my mom was diagnosed with cancer". The Cohen family become closer in the midst of an illness. Sophie POV.

Notes: This is somewhat of a departure from my usual style of writing, but the first line buried itself deep within my thoughts and refused to give up until I'd allowed it to tell the whole story. And from there it sort of grew out of control. The characters' fault entirely – I have no control over them, it seems.

Anyway, I really hope you enjoy reading it. Feedback is gratefully received.

XxX

when I was nine

XxX

When I was nine my mom was diagnosed with cancer. It was the worst few months of my life, during which everything seemed to change irrevocably, but essentially it brought my family closer together. And in the months afterwards as we all contemplated what had happened, none of us could deny that our new-found closeness was intricately intertwined with mom's illness; and if that was the case, could we deny that it had had a purpose?

XxX

I still clearly remember the day I found out. I was excited because school was nearly finished for summer and I bounced home the whole way, telling Corey's mom about my plans to visit my brother Seth in Providence.

I'd never been on my own before but mom had agreed to let me fly over with Seth since she and dad were going to vacation in Italy. That summer was going to be the best summer ever; I'd spent hours telling my friends and making plans.

I arrived at home that Thursday after school, not knowing that my whole life was about to change. I opened the door, dumped my backpack on the floor, and skipped into the kitchen.

The first inkling I had that something was wrong was when I saw both my brothers there. Seth was supposed to be in Providence. Ryan was supposed to be at work. Instead, Seth was hovering near mom, looking upset, and Ryan paced backwards and forwards across the floor. Mom was pale, holding a cup of coffee, looking down at the floor. Dad looked serious, which only ever really happened if I'd done something wrong or if something bad had happened.

"Hey," I said, stopping still in the doorway to the kitchen, not wanting to move any further.

Mom looked up at me and gave a slight smile. "Hey, Sophie. How was school?" she asked; she asked the same question most nights and usually I'd ramble on about what I'd been up to while she cooked dinner or went through paperwork for the gallery. But dad had shot her a look that I didn't understand and it made me feel even more uneasy.

"What's going on?" I asked.

Mom and dad glanced at each other, serious, sad. "Sophie, sweetheart, there's something we need to tell you," dad started.

I don't remember the exact words he used; I was so terrified that I was hardly even listening at the time. All I heard was the word "cancer" and a multitude of thoughts were immediately coursing through my mind with one that stood out starkly: Sarah's dad had had cancer when we were in first grade. He'd died.

And suddenly I was too scared to be in the room. I felt as though I could hardly breathe. I couldn't look at my parents or my brothers and I ran. I opened the back door, gasping for breath and heard mom say to someone behind me "Let her go." They could see me from the kitchen as I ran the length of the backyard and hid in the hiding place that I hadn't been since the summer before. The overgrown foliage with its circle of space around the trunk offered me protection and isolation.

I hugged my knees to my chest and cried hard until I was gasping for breath and it hurt and it seemed as though the tears would never cease.

It wasn't fair. I was supposed to go to Providence and travel on an airplane for the first time without my parents. Mom and dad were supposed to go to Italy and walk to the top of the tower of Pisa and take photos of Rome and miss me.

This wasn't supposed to happen to my family. Not to my mom.

She'd been tired and not quite right for a while now, and I hadn't been too worried. I should have been more concerned, in case…

I'd been crying for maybe twenty minutes when I heard the branches behind me start to rustle. Someone had found me.

"Hey," Seth said as he sat down cross-legged beside me.

Although I adored him, I didn't really know my brother. Seth had left for college in Providence around the time I was born, and while he would email me sometimes, or talk to me on the phone and call me Kirsten Jr., or buy me MP3s and CDs (I'd been the only first grader whose favourite band was Death Cab) we'd never really spent all that much time getting to know each other.

"How'd you know where I was?" I sniffed into my arms, wiping my tears on my sleeve.

"I used to hide here, too," he told me. And later I wondered if it hadn't been so much a case of him finding me, but him needing to hide, too.

We sat in silence for a while after that. It was unusual for Seth to be quiet, more unusual for him to be crying, but that day it seemed okay for him to do both.

He pulled me towards him, an arm placed around me, hugging me, and I cried harder into his side.

"I'm scared," I told him quietly after my tears had begun to subside.

"I'm scared too, Soph," he confided and I was amazed that adults could be scared.

"You are?"

He nodded.

"Why don't we go back inside?" he said. "It's getting cold out here."

I shook my head rapidly.

"What are you scared of?" he asked.

I continued to shake my head. I didn't want to say. To tell him that I was afraid because mom was sick and might die and that now everything was going to change didn't seem right. It was wrong to even think it and yet I couldn't help it.

"Soph?" he asked again.

"I'm just afraid," I said, weakly. He looked at me, and he looked so much like dad it was eerie. "Mom," I whispered and closed my eyes, unable to continue the thought.

"Soph," he said, and he seemed to understand me for perhaps the first and maybe only time. "She's gonna be okay, and she's gonna bake cookies with you and Corey again like she did last week, and she's still gonna think that Cold War Kids is a charity, and she's gonna take you to back the art gallery and tell you about the paintings, and she's still not gonna believe that the car really was trashed at the I-MAX or that she really had no idea where I went to when I hid here when I was three…" he trailed off.

Later, when I thought about it, I wondered who he was trying to convince.

XxX

Seth took me inside after that, he held my hand and I didn't mind, even though I had declared myself too old to hold hands an age ago.

Mom and dad were still in the kitchen. Ryan was off to one side, talking on the phone. I guessed that he had called Taylor.

I stood behind Seth, scared. Mom looked at Seth, and then at me, but I shook my head and refused to move.

Dad stepped towards me, but mom glanced over at him, a slight shake of her head.

Instead, she moved towards me, and then knelt down on the floor in front of me, even as I shook in fear – not of mom, but of what this cancer meant, how it was going to change everything.

"Sophie," she said quietly. She took my hand in hers. "I love you and I need you right now. I need you to be strong for me because the boys? Not half as strong as you are, sweetheart."

Tears streamed down my face and she reached up to wipe them away. Even when she was ill she was looking after me. I collapsed in towards her, hugging her, refusing to let go. "Don't leave me, please, mommy," I said.

"I'm not going to," she replied. "I don't ever want to leave you, Sophie. You or daddy or Seth or Ryan." She pulled back from my embrace so that she could meet my eyes. Hers were filled with tears. "Just because I'm sick doesn't mean I'm going to leave, Soph, okay? Okay?"

I nodded, but was not entirely convinced. "Okay, mommy."

She pulled me back into a hug, her needing me as much as I needed her, and we stayed like that on the floor for what seemed like hours.

It was only later when I pulled away that I realised that dad and Ryan and Seth were hugging us both, too.

XxX

Things moved fairly quickly after that; phrases were bandied around like "early diagnosis," "good recovery rate" and "lymphoma" and "radiotherapy" and "chemo", none of which I really understood, even when they tried to explain.

Mom started going to the hospital almost immediately; days in a row when she'd go in for a couple of hours. And then she'd come back home and sometimes she'd be too exhausted even to ask me about school.

Ryan moved home to help out. Mostly to help out with looking after me, since mom was often too tired and dad was busy with work and the gallery and looking after mom and pretending that everything was going to work out and be okay.

Of course, it wasn't.

Early on, I'd come home from school and quietly made my way to mom and dad's bedroom to see how mom was doing after the treatment. I stood at the half-open door and peeked round, wanting to make sure that mom was awake so I didn't disturb her sleep. She was awake. Dad, still wearing his work suit, sat on the bed, holding a bucket as mom heaved into it. He looked worried, rubbing her back gently, talking to her about how they needed to "talk to the doctor about these anti-sickness drugs not working".

I stood there, frozen to the spot, unnoticed. I didn't know what to do. Should I go offer a cold wash cloth? Should I leave them? Should I get a glass of water? I hadn't been warned about this; no one had briefed me on what to do if this happened.

I didn't move until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I startled and turned round. Ryan was behind me, seeing what I was seeing.

"Let's go watch some TV," he said, guiding me away from my parent's room. "You want something to eat?"

I shook my head. I sat down on the couch and he sat next to me, turning on the TV and changing the channel so that a repeat of "High School Musical" played in the background. He hated "High School Musical."

"It's gonna be okay, Soph," he told me eventually in his usual calm, knowing tone. "I know it's hard, but the doctors say that there's a really good chance that she'll get better."

"Can we talk about something else?" I asked quietly. I'd heard it all before; they all focused on the positives, everyone refusing to believe that anything else could happen. I wanted to avoid it all; I wanted to pretend that everything was normal.

"Sure," he replied, slightly surprised. "What?"

I fumbled for a topic of conversation from the mess of thoughts in my head. "Is Taylor still in England?" I asked.

He gave a slight laugh, ruffled my hair affectionately. "Did your Mom tell you to ask me that?" he smiled. I shook my head. "She misses you. She told me that she's gonna bring you back some tea from London."

I made an effort to wrinkle my nose in disgust. "Ew."

Thus marked the beginning of Sophie/Ryan time.

XxX

The weeks went on, school was nearly over, and the negative thoughts were continuing to crowd out the positives in my head. All I could see was that Mom wasn't always eating; she was getting thinner and paler, and often couldn't even do paper work for the gallery.

Mom's latest round of treatment was causing her to become restless, uninterested in most things and she was increasingly frustrated at her lack of energy. My last attempt at trying to talk to her had been ill-timed; she was trying to make herself something to eat but obviously was too tired to make a decision and was becoming increasingly irritated at herself. Although she'd done her best to pay attention to my diatribe on why learning about history was entirely unnecessary for my future, she stood still and sighed. "Not now, Sophie," she'd said curtly, exhausted.

I'd glowered at her and promptly exited the room.

Things deteriorated at school; I'd become increasingly quiet and withdrawn in class, and lashed out at my friends with the slightest of provocations.

Ryan came to collect me from school one day as dad was at the hospital with mom. When Ryan arrived, I was sat outside the principal's office, waiting for him, sullenly kicking my legs back and forth.

I was sat in the chair, sulking, when Ryan arrived.

"Sophie?" he asked an unspoken question of what's happened?

"You've got to talk to Principal Green," I told him.

He looked at me, questioningly, but saw that I was going to give no further answers.

He knocked on the door to the Principal's office and I entered with him as directed. We sat down on the green chairs.

"I understand that Mr and Mrs Cohen are at the hospital this afternoon?" Principal Green asked Ryan.

Ryan nodded.

"Naturally, I will be in contact with them tomorrow morning, but I wonder if you would speak to them on my behalf in the meantime. I have been informed that this afternoon Sophie was in a fight with another student. A fight which, it would appear, she instigated. Now, I realize that there is a lot going on at home currently and this is very unusual behaviour for Sophie, but fighting will not be tolerated at this school no matter what extenuating circumstances there are."

I nodded resentfully at intervals as required as he continued to lay out the terms of my punishment until at last we were able to leave.

"Fighting, Sophie?" Ryan asked me as we got into the car.

I shrugged noncommittally. We drove home in silence as I was not receptive to either speaking or listening.

Seth was in when we arrived home, he was due to fly back to Providence later in the week. "Hey Soph, how was school?" he asked as I dumped my bag on the floor. I ran upstairs and shut my bedroom door behind me.

When Ryan and Seth entered my bedroom twenty minutes later it was clear that they had been discussing me. I had calmed down considerably by then, and was talking quietly to Snowy, the bear that Ryan had bought me when I was a baby.

"Hey Soph. Hey Snowy, how's things? Still hanging out with Barbie and Captain Oats Jr.?" Seth asked. He often talked to my animals. It usually made me laugh. "Well, that Barbie, she is a hotty."

"Sophie," Ryan started as he sat down on the side of my bed. "We're going to have to talk to your Dad about what happened this afternoon. And believe me, he's not going to be happy."

I sighed. "It's that stupid Kian's fault."

"What did he do?"

"He was being mean. He's always mean. No one likes him. They only invite him to their parties because they're afraid of him. I just felt like hitting him."

Seth continued to play with Snowy. "Hmm, Snowy, I think there's more to it than this, don't you? I mean, the Kirsten Jr. isn't exactly Kid Chino."

Ryan glanced over at Seth, rolling his eyes.

"What did he do, Soph?" Ryan asked me again.

I looked down. I didn't say anything for a while, just fiddled with Captain Oats Jr's mane. "He was saying stuff. About mom. Like how only bad people got sick and other stuff." I looked up at my brothers, frowning. "That's not true, is it?"

Ryan put his arm round me and pulled me in close. "Of course it's not, Soph."

"So, being good doesn't stop you from getting sick?" I asked, and tried to stop the tears that pricked at my eyes.

Seth glanced at Ryan and then at me. He stroked Captain Oats Jr's mane, his fingers brushing against mine. "Unfortunately not, Soph."

I took a deep breath in order to control my emotions. I leaned into Ryan's embrace. "I'm glad I hit him," I said.

I swore I heard Ryan say under his breath "So am I."

I looked down, my fingers braiding Captain Oats Jr's mane.

"Y'know, my man Ryan here used to punch people, too," Seth said after a while, and I knew that he was trying to cheer me up.

"Seth, not helping," Ryan warned, but it somewhat lacked conviction and I wasn't to be deterred from hearing more.

"Really?" I asked, pulling my head away from Ryan.

Seth nodded. "Oh yeah, he started with the captain of the water polo team, and then…"

Ryan interrupted him. "What Seth really wants to say is that fighting didn't get me anywhere except, well, suspended and in trouble with your parents."

My eyes grew wider, my previous preoccupation momentarily beginning to fade. "You were suspended from school?" I questioned in amazement.

Ryan looked over at Seth and Seth gave a slight grin in return.

XxX

I had expected my father to be mad at me when he asked to speak to me that evening, but instead he motioned for me to sit on the chair in the kitchen, and pulled up a chair to sit beside me.

"Ryan and Seth have been telling me what happened at school today," he started, and his voice was more comforting than I had anticipated.

I looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry, Daddy," I said, although in reality I wasn't exactly sorry that I'd hit Kian.

He took a finger to my chin and lifted my head so that I could see his face. "I'm disappointed with you, Sophie," he said, "not just because you hit that boy. Seth told me what the boy had said and while I wish you had walked away and told someone, I understand that you're angry at the moment. I rang the school and spoke to Principal Green and he told me what's been going on. You need to talk to us and tell us how you're feeling, Sophie. Being angry at your friends and hitting people isn't the answer, you know that. Why didn't you come talk to me or Ryan or Seth? Or your mom?"

"You're too busy," I replied quietly. "You've got other stuff to worry about."

"I'm never too busy to talk to you, sweetheart," he said firmly, placing his hand on my shoulder. "I will never be too busy to listen to what you have to say, you know that, right?"

I nodded hesitantly.

There was a moment of silence.

"I've noticed that you've not been spending much time with your mom recently. She's worried about you."

I frowned, puzzled. "She's worried about me?"

"You two used to be inseparable and now you almost seem to avoid being in the same room as her; of course she's worried about you. Do you want to tell me what's going on with you?" he asked.

I looked down at my hands, twisted my fingers around each other.

"Your mother does the same thing, except with the rings. You're so much like her," Dad said, almost to himself. I glanced up at him, and saw him smiling slightly. "You've gotta tell me what's wrong, Sophie. I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, weighing up the pros and cons of telling the truth. "I'm still scared," I whispered. "All these thoughts keep going round in my head and they keep telling me that it's not going to be okay like everyone keeps saying. And I keep thinking, what if everyone's lying or just that they don't know the truth?" The tears that had been threatening for weeks started to spill, and I was unable to control my emotion. "And… I keep thinking, what if… What if mommy… doesn't…doesn't…" I stuttered between gasping cries. Dad pulled me onto his lap, close to him, and held me tight.

"Oh Soph," he sighed. He stroked my hair as I continued to sob into his shirt.

Eventually the tears began to abate, and tiredness began to overcome me. I pulled away from Dad, and he took his finger to my chin again, using his thumb to wipe away my tears. "I think," he began, moving hair away from my face, "we should go see your mother and talk to her. Do you think you could do that?" he asked. "Because I think she really needs us to be there for her at the moment."

I nodded slowly.

I slid off his lap and stood on the kitchen floor. Dad took my hand and I followed him silently as we walked towards my parents' bedroom.

"Wait," I said, and he looked at me, puzzled, as I ran off to my bedroom. I returned a minute or so later with two items. "I'm good now."

We entered the room and I took another deep breath to steady myself. Mom opened her eyes as we entered and gave me a warm smile. "Hey, Sophie."

"Hi," I said quietly.

She motioned for me to sit on the bed beside her, and when I looked at Dad, he nodded in encouragement and gently pushed me towards the bed.

I saw how pale and thin she looked and at that moment it really struck me that she really did need me and I realised how much I'd missed her by being distant and angry. And I came to understand that things needed to change; I needed to make an effort to change.

I clambered onto the bed.

Mom put her arm around me. "I've been worried about you," she said, stroking my hair absent-mindedly.

"You don't need to worry anymore, mommy," I told her with a slight smile.

"Sophie and I have been talking about what's been going on recently," Dad informed mom as he sat on the bed beside her.

She gave a brief nod in response.

"I think you and Sophie need to have a talk," he said after a while. "I'm gonna go put the grill on." He whispered something briefly to mom before kissing her on the head and leaving the room.

There was silence for a moment before mom spoke. "I know you've got a lot going on in your head at the moment. And I know you're scared, sweetheart, and I know you're angry and confused. Do you think it would help if you talked to me?" I contemplated this for a moment. "You can ask me anything you want."

I thought for a moment, screwed my face up into a frown. "Are you gonna lose your hair?" I asked. It wasn't exactly the most important question, but it was one that I'd had going round in my head.

She smiled, shook her head. "The doctors tell me that I won't; it depends on the medication, and they say that the medication they're giving me means that I shouldn't."

I tangled my fingers in her hair briefly. "I'm glad," I said. There was another silence. I didn't find it easy to discuss the things I wanted to say. "How long are you going to be sick for?" I asked eventually.

She shrugged. "I've got to go to the hospital for treatment for another couple months and then the doctors have to do tests to see how the cancer has responded. Hopefully the tests will tell us that the cancer has all gone."

I could see that she was beginning to get tired, but I had one more question to ask; the all-important question that had been plaguing me continuously for weeks, refusing to remove itself from my thoughts. "Are you gonna… You won't… You're not gonna die are you?" I blurted out eventually. I breathed deeply to stop the tears from flowing and willed the lump at the back of my throat to stop aching.

"Oh, sweetheart," she said, pulling me closer to her. "The doctors say…" she faltered, and I understood that it was equally as difficult for her to talk about it as it was for me. "They say that there's a good chance that the cancer should go away. You see, a lot of it is related to when they find the cancer, and they found it quite early. Plus I'm not all that old, and I was quite healthy before the cancer, and it all helps. And I'm determined not to leave you." She pulled away from me so that I could see her face. "I'm not leaving you," she told me adamantly, forcefully. And for a moment she was mom as I remembered her before the cancer and I couldn't help but believe her. And then, the tiredness washed over her again and I could see her struggling to keep her eyes open.

I looked down at the two items in my hands; Snowy with his fur slightly unkempt from years of affection and a book. I handed Snowy to mom.

"Here, Snowy will look after you when I'm at school and stuff. Plus you can talk to him and he'll listen and everything."

She kissed me on the head and smiled, her eyes filled with unshed tears. "Thank you Sophie, I promise I'll take good care of him." She closed her eyes for a moment before managing to open them again.

"It's okay," I told her. "Do you want me to read to you?" It was what she did for me when I was sick.

She smiled again, eyes closing. "That would be lovely." This time she didn't open her eyes but I knew she was still awake.

I opened Matilda, one of my favourite books, and began to read. "It's a funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think that he or she is wonderful…"

I never saw Dad standing at the doorway, listening to our conversation and hearing me read to Mom, but years later he recounted the story with a smile and I realised that he was there the whole time.

XxX

Somehow I made it through the final days of school leading up to summer. Since my talk with mom and dad I'd found things easier at school and made more of an effort to keep my temper in check and interact with my friends.

Summer break eventually arrived, and with it long days of hot weather, hanging out with my friends, and visits to the hospital. Mom and I got through the whole of Matilda in the first few weeks in between hospital visits and work, predominantly during afternoons sat out in the yard and hours where she couldn't leave her room.

The date of my vacation to Providence arrived and although I did my best to pretend that it didn't bother me, the majority of my friends had left Berkeley for their respective vacations and I felt just a little left out.

At about 2:30 that afternoon the doorbell rang and I ran from the backyard to see who was visiting.

Seth and Summer stood at the door, cases in hand, weary smiles on their faces. I glanced at them, confused.

"Hello Seth, Summer, would you like to come in?" Seth commented as I stood there without words.

"Come in," I repeated, still bemused.

"So, we had all this vacation time booked off work, and we were all like, well, what can we do for two weeks without work? And Summer was, like, well, I guess we could go visit your parents and Ryan and… what's her name? Sarah? Sally? And I was like, ah, yes, free food and accommodation. Plus I've not had the opportunity to kick Ryan's or dad's ass on the computer in, like, forever," Seth explained.

Summer rolled her eyes at my brother as she dragged a couple of cases into the hall. I didn't think I'd seen that many cases for a two week vacation before. "Cohen, can you go get the rest of my bags from the cab?" she demanded. She dropped her bags and pulled me into a hug. "Ignore your idiot brother, he was dying to see you. Begging, in fact," she directed this line particularly at Seth, who had still not made in the direction of the cab.

"I'm wounded, Summer. Wounded, hurt…"

"Bags, Cohen."

"Yes, Mrs Cohen."

Seth finally exited the house with a mock salute.

"So, how are you, Soph? How's your mom doing?" Summer asked.

"She's okay mostly. She's at the hospital at the moment. She still gets tired a lot, and since Ryan and Dad working, like, all the time and Corey and Molly are on vacation, we mostly just hang out reading and watching TV and stuff."

"Reading, huh? Sounds like fun," Summer said in an attempt to be sincere that missed by a mile.

"Sometimes we go to the gallery," I countered with my arms folded across my chest, and adopted my best "are you really trying to make fun of me" look.

"We don't call her the Kirsten Jr for nothing, Summer," Seth commented as he dropped a bag that had been precariously tucked underneath his arm. Summer glared at him before returning her attention to me.

"Well, Soph, since you couldn't come to us, we are here to deliver the best two weeks vacation that Berkeley has to offer," she informed me with a smile.

"Sum, you might want to actually try to sell the concept," Seth advised. She glared at him again. "I'm just saying; the best that Berkeley has to offer doesn't actually make it sound all that appealing."

"Well, we at least have exciting news," she offered. My eyes widened in interest.

"Ah, yes, good thinking; we have intrigue, mystery and excitement. Much better with the selling. You learn well, my little Jedi in training." He patted Summer on the head.

This time I rolled my eyes at Seth. "Does he know how to be normal?" I asked Summer.

"Yeah, not so much," she replied.

XxX

"Mom, Dad, we have visitors," I announced excitedly as I entered the lounge that evening after they'd arrived home.

"Visitors?" Dad asked.

"Well, y'know, people who are looking for free food and accommodation," I echoed Seth's earlier words much to his consternation as he entered the room behind me with Summer.

"Hey Mom, Dad. Isn't this a surprise?" Seth greeted them.

"Isn't it just," Dad responded with a grin.

"We come bearing gifts," Seth offered, motioning to the bag that he was carrying. "And news of good tidings."

"Summer's gonna have a baby!" I blurted out in excitement. This earned me a glare from Seth. "Well, it's not like you said it was a secret."

"No, I believe that's exactly what I said it was," Seth reminded me.

"Oops?" I tried to look apologetic.

"Is this true, Summer?" Mom asked, hopefully. Summer nodded, half-embarrassed, but happy. Mom gave a huge grin. "Congratulations!" she said, elated. She stood up and pulled Summer and Seth into an embrace.

"Way to go, son," Dad said, clapping Seth on the back. "See, I told you, us Cohen men, very virile."

"Daaad," Seth groaned.

"Guys," Mom warned, looking in my direction.

There was a brief silence. "What's virile mean?" I asked with a frown.

"Way to go, Dad," Seth smirked.

Mom attempted to hide a smile and looked at Dad. "Sandy?"

He gave a cough. "I think celebratory drinks and food are in order. I'll, uh, go put on the grill," he stammered, then exited the room hurriedly, much to the amusement of Seth, Summer and Mom.

XxX

True to their word, Seth and Summer used much of their vacation time taking me out. We'd visited the Berkeley Marina and Pier where we flew kites, went on a tour of San Francisco and went shopping (Summer insisted that it was necessary), spent an afternoon at the Lawrence Hall of Science and hung out at the park. Sometimes Ryan came with us, too.

I was more than a little suspicious that their enthusiasm for entertaining me had been at the urging of Mom and Dad. They had, according to Summer - who had hinted at part of their conversation to me -been worried that everything that was going on was beginning to hinder my ability to go out and enjoy myself. I told her that I didn't mind staying at home with Mom, but the truth was, urged to or not, I had a great time with my brother and sister-in-law and was glad that they were spending time with me. Sometimes, I felt a little guilty for having fun when Mom was still so sick, but when I offered to stay home with her, she told me to go out and have fun. So, instead, we brought her presents and photos back from the places we visited so that she could at least partake in some of the fun.

In the evenings, we'd all stay in and have family time.

Mom tried to fuss over Summer, but to little avail. Summer wasn't the type to enjoy being fussed over, but she did agree to a short shopping expedition to buy baby clothes. I got to tag along, but the 'boys' had groaned about the prospect and so we left them to do "guy stuff". Which, I supposed, involved Seth and Ryan playing video games, since Seth was sulking when we returned home about how "his control was not working", which was apparently the only reason Ryan had won. Repeatedly.

We spent about a half hour in the first store, Mom and Summer ahh-ing over all the tiny clothes, and I helped choose more outfits than I was sure that a baby would need in its lifetime.

I spent time looking at the toys and bears until I found the one that I wanted. I'd brought along the money I'd saved for my vacation, and it more than covered the cost of the bear.

I purchased it at the counter while Mom and Summer were still engrossed in the clothes and cribs and strollers.

"Seth's been looking at jobs in the area," Summer was saying as I approached them. "I mean, what with the baby and everything, we decided we want to be closer to our families. Well, family. Since Dad's in Seattle with the new step-mom." She made a face.

Mom made an attempt to laugh, but she was paler than I'd seen her in a while, and I could tell that something wasn't quite right.

"Kirsten?" Summer said.

"I'm fine," Mom replied, a forced smile on her face.

"Mom?" I called out.

"I… I just need to sit down, that's all."

Summer and I shared a look of concern. "Sophie, why don't you take your Mom back to the car and I'll go pay?"

I nodded. She handed me the keys and I took Mom's hand and guided her out of the store.

She closed her eyes the minute she sat in the car. "I should possibly have taken things a little slower today," she told me as she briefly opened her eyes to see me scrutinising her. She closed her eyes again. I didn't take my focus away from her.

XxX

That evening I didn't move from outside their bedroom, listening for any sound of life, until Dad exited.

"She's okay, sweetheart," he reassured me. "She just needs to rest."

"What was wrong?" I asked.

"Sometimes the cancer and the chemo make her feel more tired than usual, that's all. It's just something that happens; she'll be okay."

"But she's not on the chemo at the moment," I argued.

"The thing is, Soph, that the chemo does things to your body that makes you feel tired sometimes after it's finished. She'll be better again soon."

"You're sure?"

Dad nodded. "I'm sure."

"Okay," I said. I put my arms round his neck and he stooped down a little so that I could hug him. "Tomorrow Seth, Summer and Ryan were gonna take me to visit Newport. Should I stay home?" I asked, concerned.

Dad shook his head. "You should go visit Newport. We'll be okay here. Besides, do you really want to miss Seth's stories about how lucky you are that you didn't have to grow up there?"

I looked at my father and attempted to raise an eyebrow. I'd been practicing this a lot lately. He laughed. "He'll tell me the story about how he tried to escape from Newport on his scooter when he was six again, won't he?" I sighed.

"Probably, sweetheart, probably."

XxX

We flew to the Orange County airport very early the next morning. We usually made it to Newport about once a year to visit Aunt Julie and Kaitlin and Josh and other assorted friends of my Mom's.

Seth hired a car and after about twenty minutes of arguing over who was going to drive and what music we should be listening to, we were on our way. I watched the scenery and the beaches out the window and wondered what it had been like when my family lived here. I really couldn't imagine Seth enjoying the beach and taking part in games of volleyball or Frisbee.

We arrived at Aunt Julie's a little after ten thirty. The weather outside was much warmer than it had been in Berkeley where it had been raining, and I was glad that Ryan had convinced me to bring my bathing suit with me when Josh opened the door and announced that everyone was out by the pool.

"Seth, Summer, Ryan!" Aunt Julie greeted as we exited the house to the pool. Then raised eyebrows, "Sophie? My god, I swear you look just like a miniature Kiki. You'll be breaking men's hearts and all the Berksies will be looking up to you in no time."

I gave a slight smile; I never really knew how to take my Aunt Julie.

Summer gave her a hug, asked her how things were going. "Oh fine, fine. I've got my new range of lingerie coming out in September, and the company is still making money, so it looks as though that degree is actually coming in useful." She gave Summer a critical once over. "So, how are things with you?"

Summer nodded. "Fine, really. Apart from the fact that I'm going to get as large as a whale in no time no thanks to Cohen here."

Julie grinned. "Kiki called the other day with the news. I'm so happy for you! How's the morning sickness going?"

"A whole lot of fun: feeling as though I'm car sick much of the time. But on the other hand, I can eat whatever I want since the baby keeps demanding things like ice cream and chocolate. Plus, I get to go shopping a whole lot over the next few months."

Julie sighed, almost reminiscently. "I think I might be able to help you there," she commented.

XxX

We left Aunt Julie's a few hours later, with her promise that she would be visiting us soon to see how Mom was.

Seth had offered to take us all to the beach, and on the way gave us a tour of Newport, but I was too busy thinking about what had happened an hour or so previously to pay much attention to his commentary on all the places that they used to get beaten up, or hang out with girls.

I will always remember what Aunt Julie had told me when we went to the kitchen to make drinks for everyone. I'm not sure what prompted it; maybe her conversation with Mom, maybe it was just that I reminded her of Mom, or maybe it was just that I was there at the time.

"When your Mom and I met we really didn't get on, did you know that?" I shook my head, intrigued. "She was this pretty, perfect, rich girl and I knew that Jimmy still was in love with her. And so, we meet in this diner, Jimmy and me, and Kiki and your dad, and I was this eighteen year old from a totally different background, and I tried to make your mom jealous by being, y'know, nice to your dad and Jimmy. And your mom looks over at me, looks me in the eye and tells me straight out that I'm trying too hard. It was the first time I realised that people from Newport could be equally as tough as those from Riverside Your mom, she's strong, Sophie. She's gonna make it through this and she's gonna do it in her typical Kiki overachieving, perfect way." She turned away from me slightly, her hand up to her eyes, wiping away tears. Her voice went quiet. "You're very lucky, y'know, you've got a great Mom."

"I know," I told her.

It was strange to see Aunt Julie crying, but it seemed that she wasn't able to stop the tears. I awkwardly gave her a hug. She gave a short laugh. "I should be the one comforting you," she said.

"She'll be okay," I told her, repeating what everyone had told me a hundred times. "She'll be okay." Strangely, by saying it out loud, I was starting to believe it. "She'll be okay."

Aunt Julie dabbed at her eyes one last time before turning away from me and drinking a glass of colourless liquid. "Of course she will," she said. "She's Kirsten Cohen. There's no way that she couldn't be okay." By the time she'd finished the glass and turned back towards me she'd managed to plaster a smile on her face.

I understood Aunt Julie a little better after that.

XxX

I remember our time at the beach clearly whenever I look at the photos Seth took. The one where I'm stood in the ocean, water spraying up at my face, my hands out in front of me to ward off the approaching wave, my whole body tensed, ready for the impact. The one where Summer sits on a rock behind me, braiding my hair as we share a light-hearted discussion. The one where Ryan is stood nearly off-camera, Summer grinning at the lens, motioning to me with her hand before the next one, taken by me at an angle, with Seth drenched in water, face screwed up, one hand in his hair. The one where I'm sat on Ryan's shoulders and we're both laughing so much our eyes are nearly closed.

And the final one, taken by a stranger, where we're all sat together, Ryan's and Seth's arms around me, Seth's other arm around Summer, all smiling into the camera.

They remind me of a perfect afternoon of eating Balboa bars, running round on the beach, enjoying the summer.

XxX

We got back into the car, and Seth informed us that we had one last stop before returning to the airport. We arrived at a large white house that I didn't recognise and Seth stopped the car.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"This is where we used to live," Seth said. "Well, not exactly, since the earthquake, like, pretty much destroyed the whole house, except for Ryan's pool house, and, well, in fact, our house looked nothing like this."

Seth became quiet, reflective, almost melancholy.

"The street is still the same," Summer offered.

"And the driveway, still the same driveway," Ryan added.

"And that tree, that tree is still the same."

"They might have kept the infinity pool," Ryan commented.

"It doesn't look as though anyone is in," Seth replied with a nod, an indication that an idea was forming in his mind.

"No, Seth," Ryan shook his head.

But Seth had already taken off in direction of the house.

"Seth!" Summer and Ryan shouted in unison behind him, before trudging off in his direction. I followed.

Seth had jogged off around to the side of the house, where there was no locked gate to prevent entry to the backyard.

"Ryan," he shouted. "You have gotta see this, man."

We all made our way to Seth, where all three adults stood there in amazed silence.

"What is it?" I asked, pulling on Ryan's sleeve, uneasily.

"The infinity pool… The pool house; it's still here," Ryan replied with a slight grin, not necessarily in answer to my question.

I shrugged. "Shouldn't we go now?"

Seth pulled himself out of his trance. "Yeah, Soph, you probably shouldn't mention this to Mom or Dad."

"Seth, we should probably go," Ryan said.

Seth nodded in reluctant acquiescence.

"What's the pool house?" I queried as we set off back towards the car. Seth and Summer followed on at some distance behind us.

"It's where I used to live when we lived in Newport," Ryan replied.

"Did you like living here?" I asked.

There was a brief moment of silence where Ryan was lost in thoughts, a shadow of a smile on his face. "Yeah, I liked living here." He didn't say anything for a second and I thought he'd finished speaking, but then he continued as we walked down the driveway. "I remember when I first came here, to your parent's house, and your dad drove up this driveway and we parked at the top and I sat and stared at the house, trying hard not to be too impressed. But I was entirely in awe of it, and of your dad, and your mom. And then your dad showed me the pool house, and even that was far grander than anything I'd ever seen in Chino," he gave a short laugh. "Coming here was the best thing that ever happened to me. I loved living here."

I'd known since I could remember that Ryan hadn't always been part of the family, hadn't always lived with Mom and Dad, but I hadn't really thought about it until now. I knew the story from dad, but never from Ryan's perspective.

"Do you like living in Berkeley?" I queried.

He smiled. "Of course I do. And it's good to be near family."

"I like living near you too," I replied.

He had no response to this, just pulled me nearer to him and gave me a half-hug before opening the car door for me.

XxX

The rest of the summer passed by in a blur; Seth and Summer returned to Providence only to visit us in Berkeley fairly soon after with news that Seth had got a job in San Francisco and they had bought a house in the suburbs and would be moving before the baby was born.

Mom's treatment finally came to an end and with it, slowly, her energy levels increased and soon she was able to work nearly full time at the gallery again. But things had changed; her commitment to work lessened, and time spent with her family increased. Sometimes, much to our consternation. But mostly to our enjoyment.

Ryan moved back to his own house, but I became a more frequent visitor and we spent more hours hanging out, often with Taylor, who had returned to Berkeley with tea and, thankfully, British candy and chocolate, and seemed to spend increasingly more time over at Ryan's.

Aunt Julie and Josh visited us and Aunt Julie treated Mom to a spa weekend, while Josh and I hung out at Ryan's and rode bikes around the block and baked brownies under Dad's supervision.

I returned to school with a scrapbook of memories from my summer; some good, some not so good. I had been given an assignment to write about my summer vacation and unlike my friends, who could write about trips to France or Hong Kong or Mauritius, I wrote about how I'd gotten to spend time with my Mom, my Dad, my brothers and my sister-in-law, and how, in the end, that was far better than any travelling I could have done.

XxX

Mom's final test results came back one dreary, wet Thursday afternoon. She had been feeling better which we all hoped would be a positive indication, but Mom was quietly hesitant about drawing any conclusions.

She and Dad took me to school that day, and I couldn't concentrate even during my favourite classes.

That evening Ryan and Taylor joined us for take out Thai food, and we rang up Seth and Summer and put them on speaker phone as Mom informed us all with a grin that the cancer was in remission.

We had sparkling apple juice to celebrate. Dad announced that he had re-booked the trip to Italy for later in the season as a celebration.

I hugged Mom, a huge smile on both our faces.

XxX

Towards the end of the year, Seth called us at 3am to announce that Summer was in labor. Ten hours later Mom, Dad, Ryan, Taylor and I went to the hospital to greet the new Cohen arrival.

Summer was sat in the bed, looking exhausted but happy. Seth held the tiny baby in his arms; a smile of pure delight and awe on his face.

"Can I hold her?" I asked.

"Sure, as long as you're careful," Seth told me.

I sat on the bed next to Summer and held out my arms.

"You've got to make sure you support her head," Mom told me, and Seth demonstrated.

"Okay," I replied, as Seth slowly passed her over to me, and I tried to copy him as Mom, Dad, Ryan and Taylor looked on. "She's so tiny." She wriggled a little in my arms, and, worried that I'd drop her, held her out for Mom to hold. "What's her name?" I asked as Mom took her from me.

Seth and Summer looked at each other and then at the baby in Mom's arms. "Emily Kirsten," Summer said with a smile.

Mom looked up from the baby, poorly-concealed tears in her eyes, and communicated her appreciation to Seth and Summer without words.

"Emily Kirsten Cohen," I said. "That's nice." I looked over at the baby. "Hello, Emily Kirsten Cohen," I said, presenting her with the teddy bear I'd bought months previously. "Welcome to the family."

XxX

Fin.


End file.
